My Flower Garden Vs The Weeds

This week has just been one of the weeks where my mental health really tried to get the best of me and I just been fighting to stay a float. We all have those individuals that we think they will understand so when you go to them to just talk your way through it it started to feel like they did not get it. SO my next best option was to write it out. I have always known that writing in a journal was the best therapy for me besides doing art. Of course other individuals would say go see your primary doctor, therapist or this or that! I have gotten to the point where I am getting tired of talking and at the point of doing something about it. I am not ashamed to say that I am 2-time suicide survivor and my thoughts are not always healthy but I am thankful that I have my key people to help pull me back from that. People need to start understanding what having multiple mental health issues can do to a person. We get tired, emotions up and down; back and forth and round and round.

Anywho I was having a conversation with my boyfriend and I got the image of me tending to my flower garden where there is just not one type of flower but many. I explained to him that I have to tend to my garden regularly because if I allow a weed to come through it could destroy my entire flower garden. It is a task in itself to do the upkeep and trying to remain as cool and calm as possible no matter what comes up. As soon as I take my mind of my flower garden or even if I slip up and not pay attention a weed comes through. In the beginning, it was never like this but years of keeping this buried inside has taken its toll. I have seen therapist, psychologist, my regular doctor and of course a acupuncturist. Out of all of those resources I feel that my acupuncturist is the only one who really listens and tries his best to understand. His kindness in what he does and how attentive he is to me shows me how much compassion he has for those going through different things. I wish that everyone had that same type of giving nature.

I try my best to tend to my flower garden but those darn weeds always come up to create havoc out of something beautiful. My boyfriend said that everything has a balance and I agreed with him. I said for me the balance is having a variety of flowers in my garden-some flowers I like and some just happened to be there without me knowing. The weeds I see as being more destructive and something that is out of the ordinary and do not need to be my garden. I am not always 100% most days but I try extremely hard to focus on the good and the positive. I know there is something much higher than my level of human understanding so I have to lean on my spirit a lot more these days. One of the quotes that come to mind often is " I know God wouldn't put too much on me to handle but I wish He wouldn't trust me so much." I know there has to be a greater reason for the things I am currently going through. I know some would say stress, others would say you have to have a breakdown in order to have a breakthrough. For me it is like " so what happens in between those two things? Is there a hint I am missing? How many levels do I have to go in order to get the well deserved break in everything?"

So I will end with this:

Hi my name is Seleta I am battling major depression disorder, high anxiety and PTSD. I am a 2-time suicide survivor and I am praying my way through it and using meditatuin. I was once on medication but no longer as I want to take a holistic approach. If you understand where I am coming from I will respect you even more. I am an artist with a cross that is heavy and that I bare. I would not wish this on my worst enemy. It is never the physical tire that wears me down it is the mental that does it to me. Please be kind to those that are battling an illness that cannot be seen or touch. Hope is still there but I yearn for a consistent happiness in me that I know is still there. #LiveLifePositive